A Little Understanding
by Telperion
Summary: Jack gets some sympathy from an unexpected quarter. Implied DoctorJack slash.


Disclaimer: Doctor Who and Torchwood belong to the BBC and Russell T. Davies. They are not mine, nor will they ever be.

Spoilers: 'Captain Jack Harkness'

A Little Understanding

The door rolled back, and Toshiko walked through the cage and down the steps into the Hub.

The first thing she noticed was that the hand in the jar was missing from its podium. The second thing she noticed, as she glanced across the cavernous interior of the underground base, was that the hand was now situated on Jack's desk, and that Jack himself was sitting staring at it, lost in thought.

Everyone knew how obsessed Jack was with that hand. Gwen thought it was creepy, Owen thought it was gross, Ianto thought it was sweet, and Toshiko – well, Toshiko understood.

It was late, only a few hours after Owen had opened the rift to drag her and Jack back from the 1940s, and Toshiko was tired. But she still had a million-and-one things to do before she could let herself rest. There were all the stats and calculations from the opening to compile, for a start. And then there was a report to write about the whole incident. No matter how tired, or stressed, or upset you were, Torchwood always demanded a report.

"Hi."

Tosh jumped slightly, and then swung around to see Jack watching her from the doorway of his office.

"Hi. Sorry - did I disturb you?"

Jack waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry. I probably needed disturbing. Too much thinking can be bad for you, you know."

And that was the other reason Tosh was still at work, despite the late hour. Upon returning from their little jaunt into the past, she had suddenly been struck by the feeling that she shouldn't leave Jack alone. She had seen what had happened between him and the other Captain Jack – indeed, it would have been impossible _not _to have seen – and she knew that Jack needed someone tonight, even if he didn't know it himself. His sadness and guilt were almost palpable, and even from across the room Tosh could feel the misery radiating off him.

But she also knew that Jack's misery had less to do with the encounter with his alter-ego than it had to do with that hand in the jar. Sure, he had felt sad for the Captain, and guilty as hell about stealing his name and his identity. And in that kiss Tosh had been sure she had seen Jack's heart breaking. But it wasn't about the Air Force Captain – not really. He was just a symbol for something else. Something that Tosh thought she might have identified.

The members of Jack's team weren't stupid. They all knew that Jack had some great big secret he wasn't telling them. One that had something to do with the hand. They speculated about it endlessly, their theories becoming wilder and more ridiculous with every passing day. But, as far as she could tell, Tosh was the only one who had made any effort to actually find out what that secret might be.

And it wasn't because she wanted to expose Jack, or gain a hold over him, or anything like that. She just wanted to understand him, if only a little bit.

So she had gone digging, ploughing all her considerable computing skills into combing the Torchwood archives for anything that might give her an insight into the psyche of Jack Harkness.

And, after several months, she had found it. A hint. A clue.

At first glance, it didn't appear to be anything special. Nothing marked it out as being particularly different. But once she started putting the pieces together, suddenly it all made sense.

The Doctor.

The Torchwood files mentioned him half-a-hundred times – that elusive figure who popped up, created chaos then resolved it, and disappeared again. Nobody could get any solid Intel on him, and he was listed as 'Priority One' on all the databases.

One mention, however, had particularly caught Tosh's attention – the Doctor's repulsion of an invasion by a race known as the Sycorax. Details such as pyjamas and swords were mentioned. Apparently the Prime Minister had even been there. The word 'regeneration' was also used several times. But none of this was what had set the alarm bells ringing in Tosh's mind. It was the date. December 25th 2006. Christmas Day. Nothing remarkable there. Except that, three days later, a hand in a jar had appeared at Torchwood Cardiff.

Looking past Jack, Toshiko saw that the hand had turned towards him, fingertips pressed against the glass as if it was trying to make contact. She also saw that Jack was aware of the hand's movement, even though he wasn't looking at it. And suddenly Tosh was sure.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied Jack, taking a few steps towards her. "The past, the future – just the little things."

Tosh took a deep breath. It was now or never. "The Doctor?" she queried quietly.

Everything about Jack went still. So still that he looked as if he wasn't even breathing, and for a second Tosh thought he was going to deny it.

"How do you know about that?" The words were spoken softly, but with a hard edge, as if Jack was ready to go on the defensive at a moment's notice.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't mean to pry. But you never tell us anything about yourself. And you watch that thing" – gesturing at the hand – "like it's going to tell you the meaning of life or something." The words came out in a rush, and then Tosh held her breath, waiting for the outburst that she was sure was coming.

But Jack only gave a bitter laugh. "Somehow, I don't think a hand can tell me the meaning of life."

Tosh decided to risk it. "But the Doctor can?"

Jack suddenly fixed her with a piercing glare. "I repeat," he said slowly, "how do you know about the Doctor?"

Tosh knew the time had come – the time to confess her own secret. "You're not the only person on this team to have met the Doctor," she said quietly.

Jack's jaw dropped. There was no other way to describe it – his lower jaw literally fell away from the rest of his face. "_You've_ met the Doctor?" he asked incredulously.

Tosh was a little shocked by Jack's reaction. This was Jack – cool in every crisis. Yet she'd managed to floor him with a few simple words.

"Only briefly," she replied. "It was ages ago – months before I joined Torchwood. I was drafted in to examine some alien remains – turned out to be a pig with a rewired brain…"

"The Slitheen incident," Jack interjected. "I heard all about it from the Doctor. He didn't mention you, though."

"Well, why would he?" said Tosh. "I didn't exactly distinguish myself. Fancy being taken in by something so obvious. And it was ten times worse with the Doctor there. There's something about him – he makes you feel stupid just by looking at you…"

Jack chuckled. "Tell me about it," he said. "It took two weeks before he would stop calling me a 'stupid ape'. I seemed to grow on him, though," he continued wistfully. "One day he just turned round and…hey, wait a minute!" he exclaimed abruptly. "Why don't I know about this? Why isn't it in your file?"

Toshiko shifted uncomfortably. "Well, at first I forgot all about it. And so did everyone else who was there, apparently. And then, when I joined Torchwood, nobody asked, so I kept quiet again. And, as it turned out, I was glad I did. People who have had contact with the Doctor catch Torchwood's attention. And I don't mean that in a good way." She looked at Jack curiously. "How come The Powers That Be haven't questioned you about your involvement with the Doctor? They must know, otherwise you couldn't have got that…er…appendage."

Now it was Jack's turn to look uncomfortable. "Actually, they don't know," he confessed. "I've been keeping quiet about that particular aspect of my past, much like you. And as for the hand – well, they don't know about that because I haven't logged it. Nobody knows it's here. Everyone assumes that it fell in the Thames and was lost."

"But if nobody knows it's here, shouldn't you be hiding it? What if someone visits unexpectedly, or looks at our security feed?"

"I know, I should," replied Jack. "But I can't, Tosh. I just can't. It would be cruel. That thing is sentient – not in an intellectual way, but in an instinctive way. I couldn't lock it away in the same way that I couldn't lock an animal away."

Toshiko looked at the hand again. It still looked as if it was trying to communicate, in its own limited way. Instinctively, she knew Jack was right – the hand was more than flesh and blood. Shutting it away would be cruel.

But she also knew that Jack wasn't telling her the whole story. If he only saw the hand as some kind of pet, then he wouldn't be so obsessed by it.

"It's more than that, isn't it?" she pressed. "It's your last link to _him_."

Jack sighed – a sound so full of melancholy that Tosh could almost feel it washing over her.

"I only met him for a few minutes," she said, "and I felt…oh, I don't know how to put it. I guess you could say I felt the _force_ of him, of his personality. He was different. Better, almost."

"Yes, he was better," agreed Jack, his voice so low the words were almost lost in the hum of the computers surrounding them. "So much better…than all of us, Tosh. He made me feel better about myself, and believe me, at the time that was a very difficult proposition."

"So why aren't you with him now? Why are you here instead?"

Tosh knew immediately that it had been the wrong thing to say, when Jack's face crumpled into a mask of pain. The expression was only there for a second before Jack mastered himself, but Tosh suddenly knew she couldn't even begin to understand what was going on in Jack's soul. She had been foolish to even think she could try.

"It doesn't matter," she said quickly. "You don't have to tell me."

"He left me," whispered Jack. "He didn't mean to," he added hurriedly. "He thought I was dead."

But Toshiko could tell that Jack didn't quite believe his own words – that he wasn't sure _why_ the Doctor had left him. And it was that uncertainty which was tearing him up inside.

"Jack, I'm…"

With a visible effort, Jack pulled himself together. "Never mind," he said. "Like you said, it doesn't matter. I'll live. It's what I do best, after all."

Behind her, Tosh suddenly heard the door to the Hub rumbling open again. She turned to see Ianto entering, bearing a tray of coffee cups to fuel the caffeine addiction of whichever other members of the team might be around.

She swung back to see Jack resuming his 'fearless leader' persona. He was visibly shutting down, locking his emotions away again.

"Look, Jack," she said quickly, "if you ever need to talk, or anything…"

"I'm fine," replied Jack. "Just don't mention any of this to the others, okay?"

"Of course not."

"Oh, and Tosh?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."


End file.
